By Mark Cutshall, Spiritual Director
Do you ever get lost in a thicket of words from a directee and silently confess to yourself, “I don’t know where all this is going.”
The first few times it happened, I panicked. Like a hungry squirrel in winter, I raced around inside trying to find a nugget from Tilden Edwards or David Benner I could offer my directee. Nada. Nothing. I had to fast from another’s faith, and feast on my own, true God.
Do you ever lose focus with a directee when it matters most? Recently, one of our kids, who somehow grew up overnight when we weren’t looking and turned 21, had a friend who totaled our car. The next day in a direction session, I felt deflated, unable to fully listen to the story my directee had entrusted me to hold.
Having been a spiritual director now for four years, I feel more and more human. Growing self-awareness mirrors back new wrinkles of my own nagging limitations. Still, in these crevices of self-doubt I find myself lingering longer with the questions, laughter and laments of the directee whose story holds me closer to my Creator.
Jesus told Peter, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
What was Jesus asking Peter to consider, to embrace? For me, it’s when I own up to my ego, that I rediscover my fault lines and need for continuous healing.
Sometimes, in that moment, I’ll sense an unexpected invitation. It reaches me upstairs in my mind on the way to my heart. Like a hummingbird who finds a way to comes near, the invitation is to stop, listen, and pray again, with eyes wide open: “You, Jesus, have found me. You loved me into being and companioned me all those years when I had no idea. Stay near, for I can’t do this alone. Keep leading me, holy Trinity, so that through my broken pieces I may hold the story of another who can find their hope in You.”
Getting lost in the thicket, again, is inevitable. So is Grace. In the in between, I wait, watch, receive and feel alive.